Ok so it's been like forger since I've written anything lol. As for the last post I did get new tattoos! Lol I got two tattoos one on each rib which represent my mothers song and my daddy song. I'm currently planning n getting three more tattoos. A tramp stamp on my lower back of a tribal butterfly with the word hope written n Arabic or in some type of cool caligraphy and I really want on on my pelic area... Well two lol.

Anywhoooo, I've been actually fine. The previous blogs were all, in my opinion very emo. I was going through a stage In My life where I was depressed. I honestly haven't gotten over it but I can hnestly say that uve been a very happy person this past year. Last February about 5 days from now I was crying my guts out. That day changed ny life forever. It was the day my heart was trashed. It still hurts but after five months of being all depressed I can say I changed for the best. After I got my job I was able to concentrate on other things. I became more social and started doing the things I lived again. Only one issue returned. I closed up again.

5 years with someone and for it t be dne in a split second can be really hard. It was on and off n itwasnt official but it meant something to me. Either way ever since I've closed up completely. I'm used to summer loves and I became used to have someone there but after what happened I completely shut down. I was and still am ignoring men not giving any guys any chance in the world. My guards are fully up! I have like a 70ft tall titanium wall surronding me with a force shield and I will not let anyone in! But the truths of the matter is... I actually want someone right now "(. I've been feelin lonely bt I'm honestly scared of opening up again. The pain I had to endure for all those months would be unbearable. I survived but like my daddy death I scarred. I'm scared of falling again. Whether it was lust love infatuation obsession idc all I know is that it hurt and I don't want to feel that way anytime soon. So my question is, if I want someone, how do I go about it?

Ever since my emo days lol I've taken an oath to self to be celibate. On February 4 th I completed a year bein celibate and I milust say I'm proud. Ppl press me n ask me why. They say omg but you're like a freak how are u doing this and why!! I'm honestly just tired if having meaningless sex. I've realized that im nor that type of girl to just have sexto have it. I want someone I can have sex with and only have sex with him. I want to commit to a relationship. A monogomus relationship. Something that I honestly don't know of. I've never been in a relationship and I'm craving it right now. I'm craving the drama the passion the lust the love the mutual feeling the fulfillness. I need this void to be filled again. I need love. I think I'm a good person I'm just confused as to why I've always been single. Lol what am I doing wrong! UGH! Well I'll let you know thenl next time I write. Psh yea I know, I'm a dummy. I actually know what I'm doing wrong but I'm still in the same dilemma! DON'T JUDGE ME!

Ciao darlings! Mua! ^.*

Ok so I've finally come to the conclusion that a club or a lounge is not a place to meet a decent guy.  I mean I've been on this theory every since I started clubbing but I've been trying not to be so negative about clubs!!!  I like clubbing, you know, I love dancing my Spanish music and reggae and hip hop but damn!!! You cannot dance with a guy without him trying to feel up on you and ultimately only want one thing from you.  Recelty I've been going to clubs and honestly I've turned down 98 percent of the people that have asked me to dance.  It's not because I'm conceited and a prude believe me I'm not!!  I'm one of the sweetest girls you will ever, if you ever, meet.  I turn them down because of the way they look at me.  I know it sounds funny but theres a way that guys look a girl.  Also how they ask you to dance. Here's what I mean:

When you're chillin just dancing by yourself you know just feelin the music and a guy just creeps up behind you and starts grinding on your booty this is a big no no!!!! jeez!! I mean i've seen girls who go with them but they're were drunk as hell and all that recklessness!! No boo boo don't do that!! I just look at them smile and walk away.  I'm not a total bitch about it either c'mon but don't do that.  If you want to dance with me at least have the decensy to spark up a little convo with me just so I can see that you're not a total jerk ass sleezeball!! 

There's also a way guys look at you I mean I know the difference between flirting with your eyes and flirting with your eyes while you're just completely intoxicated which looks like shit BTW.  LOL I should know I'm a self proclaimed Queen of eye flirting.  So when a guy is flirting with me from across the room it either leads to a convo then a dance or it goes straight to the dance floor then a convo lol but when theres liqour involved theres only one thing he wants.  Me to rub on his penis or his penis to rub on me.  NO NO!!! big NO NO!!. 

Ok so back to the story if I haven't started it yet I was at a club this weekend and I was looking good and all the greatness.  Minimal liqour in my system only had like 3 shots and a drink so I was beginning to feell nice.  So we're at the club and I have this thing where I either stay at the bar, go into the VIP and just observe or walk around and observe sometimes dance lol, and while I'm walking I finally find my girls because for some reason even if the club is small we tend to all lose eachother and they're just tipsy dancing and having fun so I join.  Out of nowhere some guy grabs me and just starts rubbing all up on my booty.  I don't have a big booty but dam it's visible especially with the little dress I was wearing.  I was like no.  So after that I wanted to get a drink and honeslty making my way throught the dance floor seemed like an eternity!!!   2 out of like 5 guys just kept grabbing my arm and doing that head thing guys do you know to check girls out!! I mean it's  flattering but damn!!! All i'm asking is for a decent guy.  You can check me out and stuff and grab my arm (gently please) but only if you want to start a convo with me.  SHIT!!!  So after, like 4 when the club was closing everyone was outside.  I sat on the edge of the sidewalk becuase my feet were hurting.  I was in heals, literally, for more than 10 hours, and guys were all outside asking me and my girls what we were going to do telling us that they had liqour and bud and all that stuff.  Funny I just laughed.  It's pretty funny.

Do guys go to clubs to only grind up on girls then try to take them back home and get them even more drunk!!!! It's stupid.  I've had my share of clubs.  Everywhere from the Bronx, to Queens, to Brooklyn, to Long Island.  90 percent of these clubs these guys only want to take us home and get us even more intoxicated.  Do guys really only want this?  If so then damn my theory is justified.  I mean I know it's fun to chill and socialize but don't come off as a sleeze ball and do this after the club, after you basically just disrespected and grabbed us and acted like a moron on the dance floor.  Get to know the girls.  But yea i'm sticking to my theory:  A club is not a place to meet a decent guy.  All you'll ever meet are guys who only want a fling or just a one nighter.   SAD :(

SO I END ASKING ONE QUESTIOIN:  WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU DECENT GUYS?  WHERE THE HELL DO YOU ALL HANG OUT?  I'm not talking about oo lets be BF and GF and get married.  I'm talking about can we be friends? Can you not be a complete asshole? 

Hello!! Are you out there??

-o0-